What are the symptoms of terminal anal cancer? The grief process for family??
Question: My mother is dying of stage 4 anal cancer that has metastasized to her liver. She does not want any treatment, having undergone chemo and radiation and not enjoying the quality of her life from the treatment. She also did not want any surgery. I live in another state and am an only child. She states that she is experiencing more rectal bleeding and can now feel the liver tumor as a lump through her skin. She has been fatigued. She has lost much weight since she’s been diagnosed (December 2006). She is not even 60 years old, and she still works at her job. She will not return to the doctor’s and does not want hospice. When she told me her symptoms I got scared. Does anybody know anything about the progression of symptoms in this type of situation? Does anybody know about the grief process, too? I feel very confused, withdrawn, and in pain right now. I am only 27, and was not expecting this.
Answers: Our hearts go out to you.
It would be perfectly appropriate for you to call your mother's doctor to arrange a time when he or she can discuss the disease's progress with you over the phone. It's not too much to ask. If she has or had an oncologist (cancer specialist), that's the office to call, but if not, her regular doctor can give you some information.
Grief has 5 recognized stages.
1-Denial- this can't be happening to me , looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger- why me? , feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Not everyone goes through all the stages, or goes through them at the same rate. There is no right or wrong way to grieve unless you are self-destructive.
Do what you can to spend time with your mother, and accept her decision to control her own life and its end.
Sorry about your situation... I recommend talking to a grief counselor or a hospice nurse... for you, not your mother. This is a burden that almost any adult would have difficulty coping with. I think your question is beyond the scope of a quick response. You will probably be pleasantly surprised how nice and helpful hospice and grief counselors are... I bet you will leave smiling.
Wow, I am sorry to hear about your mom :( that is a tough one. I would probably do the same thing though, if it were me. All I can say is just be there for her and let your mom know you love her. Enjoy the time you do have left. Best of Luck!
Colon cancer? Wow. Sorry to hear that. I lost a close Uncle to that disease some years back. It also has spread to his liver and brain.
Just be there for her. You should consider moving or a leave of absence or having her with you. Look for a support group in your local community as soon as practical, for both you and her. Celebrate her life now while you both still can, and just have lots of love and understanding. Consult your pastor, and lots of prayer. Life is short so enjoy it with her while you can.
That's about all I can say.
Answers: Our hearts go out to you.
It would be perfectly appropriate for you to call your mother's doctor to arrange a time when he or she can discuss the disease's progress with you over the phone. It's not too much to ask. If she has or had an oncologist (cancer specialist), that's the office to call, but if not, her regular doctor can give you some information.
Grief has 5 recognized stages.
1-Denial- this can't be happening to me , looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger- why me? , feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Not everyone goes through all the stages, or goes through them at the same rate. There is no right or wrong way to grieve unless you are self-destructive.
Do what you can to spend time with your mother, and accept her decision to control her own life and its end.
Sorry about your situation... I recommend talking to a grief counselor or a hospice nurse... for you, not your mother. This is a burden that almost any adult would have difficulty coping with. I think your question is beyond the scope of a quick response. You will probably be pleasantly surprised how nice and helpful hospice and grief counselors are... I bet you will leave smiling.
Wow, I am sorry to hear about your mom :( that is a tough one. I would probably do the same thing though, if it were me. All I can say is just be there for her and let your mom know you love her. Enjoy the time you do have left. Best of Luck!
Colon cancer? Wow. Sorry to hear that. I lost a close Uncle to that disease some years back. It also has spread to his liver and brain.
Just be there for her. You should consider moving or a leave of absence or having her with you. Look for a support group in your local community as soon as practical, for both you and her. Celebrate her life now while you both still can, and just have lots of love and understanding. Consult your pastor, and lots of prayer. Life is short so enjoy it with her while you can.
That's about all I can say.
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